


The Weekly Yeast vol. 2: Hannukah Edition

by ebayhaunteddoll



Series: The Weekly Yeast [2]
Category: British Writer RPF, Fashion RPF, Music RPF, Political RPF - US 21st c., SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Jewish, Celebrities, Fox News, Gen, Gossip, Hanukkah, Jewish Holidays, Jewish!Tomi Lahren, Journalism, Judaism, Kabbala, Lists, Magazines, Menorah, Songfic, YouTube, barbz - Freeform, jdate, jewish cooking, kosher, woke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:48:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27999267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebayhaunteddoll/pseuds/ebayhaunteddoll
Summary: Come settle down with some latkes and your Catholic boyfriend and read the Weekly Yeast by the light of the Marinara.
Series: The Weekly Yeast [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041948
Kudos: 8





	The Weekly Yeast vol. 2: Hannukah Edition

# Top 10 celebrities you didn't know were Jewish

  1. Tomi Lahren (b. Tovah Lahrenov) is a Ukranian-American reform jew who was driven to the right wing during a crisis after having to look after her great aunt Edith who goes to bed at 6 and refuses to patronize non-jewish businesses, including physicians and grocers.
  2. Ethan



Jewish-American World War I fetishist and Daily Yeast team member was born in 2 BC (3759) and tragically died 3 weeks later of a nail polish remover overdose.

  1. Lucas



Another one of our very own Daily Yeast editors, Lucas, is a Jewish man who was secretly converted against his own will while listening to Daniel Kahn. 

  1. Davie, you know, from the deli? 



Davie, you know him- the guy who hangs around the deli when it closes and brings the boxes to the back. Dammit- what's his last name... anyway. Does he work there? I don't know. He creeps the bajezus outta me.

  1. Mr. Krabs



Mister Krabs is a phierce ass bitch with a tuchus to match. Many people may not know he was raised Jewish but that's just what makes him Pittsburg's number one scene kween.

  1. Gwen Stefani 



Gwen Stafani is actually the only Albino Jewish person to sing a song that made it to the charts. She paid homage to her family's struggles with poverty and persecution in her hit single "Rich Girl", a cover of Fiddler on the Roof's "Rich Man"

  1. The Keebler Elves



These beloved cookie making dybbukim have become the center of controversy surrounding responses to their involvement in the Jewish community. Despite this, millions across the globe still enjoy their cookies.

  1. Walt Disney



World-famous animator Walt Disney's last words were actually "Damn Jews!", a homage to his religious and cultural background. 

  1. Oscar Wilde



This Wilde icon actually converted to Judaism from Protestant Christianity to connect to his Irish heritage. The famous character of the theather manager in the classic novel _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ was actually the first Jewish gay character in fiction and the first character to Slay All Day!

  1. PewDiePie



PewDiePie, also known as Felix Schelberg, is a Swedish Jew and internet celebrity. He is the second most subscibed to YouTuber on the planet. 

* * *

# Trish Paytas’ Xanukach Surprise

We love a recipe penned by the stars here at The Weekly Yeast. Good, tepid food, and the image of that sexy celeb cooking up in a storm in the kitchen. All we want for Chanukkah this year is for Miss Paytas to huddle under the chuppah with us and become our Jewish wifey. 

Prep 1 hour, Cook time 1-5 hours, Serves 8-10

INGREDIENCE:

3 tablespoons MSG

4 teaspoons butter

⅛ teaspoon corn or potato starch

1 or 2 quarts milk

Cheese (French)

¼ cup mustard

2 lbs Brisket 

2/4 cup BBQ sauce

2 frozen lobster tails

3 diced red onions

2 cups Jelly extracted from Dunkin Donuts brand Sufganiyot 

5 cups whole black peppercorns (optional)

METHOD:

  1. Brown butter in pan over medium heat. Skim out milk solids and reserve. 
  2. Toast MSG in remaining Ghee. Add starch and mix to create roux. Add milk slowly, then stir in cheese to make queso (add peppercorns here if desired.)
  3. Combine milk solids, mustard, and BBQ sauce in a small to large bowl. Portion into two bowls, and rub half on lobster and half on brisket. Place the brisket in Instant pot and cook for as long as you want. Place Lobster tails in a slow cooker and cook for 4 and a half minutes. 
  4. Heat pot over high heat until water sizzles when added. Combine queso, brisket, and lobster, and stew until the smoke alarm goes off. Garnish with chopped onions. Enjoy!



* * *

# ULTIMATE Top Ten Hohnikuh Bummers!

Around the Holiday season, it can get kind of crushing to see all the happy Christian families celebrating their Christmas “miracles,” while we are left observing yet another attempted genocide, however distant. That’s why The Weekly Yeast has come to another genius (conceited much? lol!) solution- the Janukash bummer! Here’s our top ten saddest, most crushing moments of your holiday season 2020.

  1. Your cowriter calls you a “World War One fetishist.”
  2. You burn yourself while making Latkes!!! Happens to the best of us. 
  3. You burn your house down while making Latkes!!! Happens to the best of us.
  4. You’re out in public on a lazy Thursday evening and you see a guy who kind of looks like a skinhead looking at you weird and you just kind of duck your head but you don’t want to assume he’s an antisemite because you want to see the best in people but it worries you anyway.
  5. Your Aba and your Ema get you the same book on the same night!!
  6. You have to listen to the fucking Maccabeats one more time.
  7. You have to listen to the fucking Dreidel song one more time. 
  8. The girl you’ve been talking to on JDate turns out to be a catfish run by a closeted gay Chasidic man living in the Israeli desert.
  9. Catholicism.
  10. Anna Wintour’s whole existence.



* * *

# Nicki Minaj Releases New Chanukah Carol

  
  


Pump up some tunes this Janice with Nicki's new single, 8 Days of Onika! Although the song is released tonight at sundown, the rapper uploaded this excerpt to her Instagram story Monday:

"All up in this pussy for eight days and eight nights

Sounds like frying latkes when I pee cause it's tight"

We'll be sure to listen to this new Haunica classic!


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